Cupcakes and Spray-On Tan, Nuh-uh

I found this on the German help site this morning:

"Hi, I just moved from NYC 2 days ago. I am totally excited that I found this webpage. I am starting my new job on Monday and would like to bring some cupcakes to work. where can I find some? Also I love spraytan, instead of damaging my skin with UV rays and hope that it exists in Germany as well. Thanks for your replies. "


1. Everyone will stare at you like you are crazy when you show up to work on your first day with cupcakes (homemade cupcakes, no less). Five dollar cupcake specialty shops, like the ones found in NYC, do not exist here in Deutschland. (Germans are not that creative.) And, if you took these "cupcakes that shall not be named or found" to work, they would all scoff at you for having something too sweet and American brought in. This will all play out after you field a million questions about why you even brought the cupcakes to work...


2. Cupcakes symbolize children, hope, joy, the fun found in bringing something to share with your school mates in 2nd grade. Germans don't like kids, don't want to be bothered with kids, and will do anything they can to avoid them. On the other hand, if your 80 pound weimaraner wants to lie under the table at your favorite restuarant, and you want to feed it food from your table? THAT CAN BE ARRANGED. You may also request a bowl from the waitress, which they will kindly fill with tap water, for your thirsty monster dog to drink from. Please don't even hesitate to ask how many times I have pondered requesting one of those bowls just so I didn't get stuck with a 10 euro bill JUST for the water. Oh, and if your kid needed water, that would take 7 to 8 questions for them to finally, perhaps, give in.

3. The sunshine you have experienced is a fluke. Perhaps in your first two days of blessed Deutschland, you experienced what will be the ONLY TWO DAYS OF SUN we will have this season. No need to worry with those bad, horrible, UV Rays. Spray tan? Probably similar to the coveted mani/pedi I received twice a month at home. These items cost a bundle. We are talking 40-50 euros for just the manicure. Do the conversion. My at-home kits are holding up nicely.







4. Now that I have suffienctly rained on your Ich Liebe Deutschland motto, you will be fully prepared when you try to get on the U Bahn first thing Monday morning (with a smile on your face and a to-go latte that you will have gone to five different cafes to find) to be trampled by an elderly woman who has to be first at the door so she can make sure she is nearest to the door when it stops next. Mainly, because she wants to be the one to press the little green circle that opens the door. Your cupcakes that were balancing oh-so-carefully in your arms, are all over the floor of the subway, as well as your latte.







5. Finally, by the time your birthday rolls around and you have mastered your at-home cupcakes, you will be thrilled to know that here in Deutschland you get to pay for your own birthday party. This means, that if you want to acknowledge your birthday at work, be prepared to bring the plates, napkins, forks, prosecco, cake, water with bubbles for those that don't drink, and a crate of beer.

You understand why I stopped celebrating at 23.